By Michelle Mey and Nuraan Agherdien
But what if being too nice is actually holding women back?
We explore how the pressure to be agreeable, self-sacrificing, and conflict-avoidant — what we call “Nice Girl Syndrome” — can affect women’s careers, especially in today’s changing work environment.
What is Nice Girl Syndrome?
Nice Girl Syndrome is a pattern of behaviour where women feel they must always be kind, helpful, and pleasing to others — even if it means ignoring their own needs. It is rooted in childhood socialisation, where girls are often taught to be “good,” avoid conflict, and seek approval.
This can lead to:
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Difficulty setting boundaries
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Fear of saying “no”
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Avoiding conflict at all costs
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Suppressing anger
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Feeling guilty for prioritising themselves
According to Beverly Engel nice girls suffer from the disease to please — they put their needs behind everyone else’s. While these traits might seem harmless, they can have serious consequences in the workplace.
Why it matters in today's world of work
The modern workplace is changing. Remote work, flexible schedules, and a focus on diversity and inclusion are becoming the norm. But these changes bring new challenges for women who struggle with people-pleasing.
In virtual meetings, for example, women may hesitate to speak up or disagree. In flexible work environments, they may find it harder to set boundaries between work and personal life. And in diverse teams, they may avoid conflict to keep the peace — even when their ideas deserve to be heard.
These behaviours can lead to burnout and stress, being overlooked for promotions, feeling stuck in roles that don’t match their potential and struggles with leadership and decision-making.
“Strong women have to fight for their place in society and often have to deal with fragile male egos,” a research respondent said.
Culture and religion play a role
This research also looked at how cultural and religious beliefs shape women’s roles. Many women —especially Muslim women — shared how their upbringing influenced their behaviour at work. Some felt empowered by their faith, while others felt restricted by traditional expectations.
For example, some respondents said they were expected to obey their husbands, manage the household, and raise children — all while working full-time. Others felt their religion taught equality and respect, but that society didn’t always reflect those values.
“I am proud to be a Muslim woman… My religion adds to my character and appreciation for life.”
What women said about success
The study asked women to define success in their own words. Many said they felt successful because of their hard work, resilience, and ability to balance family and career. But others shared feelings of exhaustion, financial stress, and being undervalued.
Some highlights:
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“I’m successful because I work hard for my family.”
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“I feel like I’m burning the candle at both ends.”
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“I’m not successful — I live hand-to-mouth and fear losing my job.”
These responses show that success is deeply personal — and that many women are carrying heavy burdens to achieve it.
So, what can be done?
We suggest a multi-layered approach to help women break free from the Nice Girl Trap:
For individuals:
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Build self-awareness: Recognise people-pleasing habits and learn to say “no” without guilt.
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Practise assertive communication: Speak up respectfully and advocate for yourself.
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Challenge internal beliefs: Let go of the need for constant approval.
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Prioritise self-care: Rest, recharge, and protect your mental health.
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Seek mentorship: Learn from others who’ve overcome similar challenges.
For organisations:
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Create inclusive cultures: Value different leadership styles and promote psychological safety.
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Support career development: Offer mentoring, training, and flexible work options.
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Recognise invisible labour: Acknowledge the emotional and relational work women often do.
“Overcoming the Nice Girl Syndrome isn’t just about personal change—it’s about creating workplaces where women can lead authentically.”
Final thoughts
Being kind and collaborative are great traits — but not when they come at the cost of your own well-being. Women should not have to choose between being nice and being successful. They should be able to lead, grow, and thrive without being held back by outdated expectations.
It is time to rethink what we expect from women at work — and to support them in showing up as their full, authentic selves.
ProfessorMichelle Mey is Deputy Dean of the Faculty of Business and Economic Sciences at Nelson Mandela University and a professor of Human Resource Management (HRM).
Dr Nuraan Agherdien is Head of the Department: HRM in the School of Industrial Psychology and HR at Nelson Mandela University.