It’s therefore a welcome change to hear about social media’s positive influence in romantic relationships from clinical psychologist and psychometrist Lauren Maytham who graduated with her Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Nelson Mandela University’s Faculty of Health Sciences in December 2024.
Lauren Maytham
“I decided to do my Master’s on online relationships after we came out of the COVID-19 pandemic when so many young adults used social media to maintain romantic relationships during social distancing,” explains Maytham whose Master’s was supervised by Dr Tania Lambert in the Department of Psychology at the University, who specialises in cyber relationships.
Maytham decided she wanted to look at how social media is used by young adults who are already in a committed romantic or love relationship. “I chose this focus because there is a lot of research on topics like the effect of online dating sites on relationships, but there is limited research on how partners use social media to maintain their romantic relationships,” says Maytham.
For her research she posted an advert on a Facebook research participant site, asking ‘How do you keep your romance alive on social media?’
“My research was focused on young adults between 18 and 35 in a stable relationship - meaning they are committed to their partner, they are dating only them, and are considering future prospects together, such as wanting to be engaged or married to that person in the future,” she explains.
These are “face-to-face relationships”, but the couples naturally spend time apart, such as when they are at work or on a business trip.
The research participants she selected included 8 people from Cape Town, Johannesburg and Gqeberha, aged 22 to 29 from different cultural groups, five females and three males, and, as it transpired, they all said they are heterosexual.
WhatsApp, Instagram and Facebook are the main social media platforms they used to stay in regular communication with their partners.
“When I asked the participants how they use social media to maintain passion and intimacy in their relationship,” says Maytham, “they all used intimacy and passion interchangeably, but they are different and I clarified for them, based on Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love which proposes that love is comprised of three interconnected components – intimacy, passion and commitment.”
Intimacy, she explains, is the emotional connection you have with your partner, the feeling of mutual trust, the sharing of feelings, thoughts, hopes and fears, in other words, the warm, comforting, tender component of love.
Passion is the drive that leads to romance, the physical attraction, desire and excitement. Commitment is the decision to maintain the love and relationship, the desire for ongoing love and affection.
Given that the participants are in committed relationships they responded about intimacy and passion as follows:
Enhancing intimacy
All the participants said social media enhances intimacy as it helps them to feel emotionally in touch with their partner, and express their feelings with emojis, gifs, voice notes and video calls. They said they send and need regular updates with their partner to maintain the emotional bond - small gestures such as asking ‘how is your day going?’.
What is interesting is the males needed this as much as the females, sometimes more so. All the participants also said if their partner messaged or video-called they would immediately respond unless they were in a meeting for example.
They all said in their relationship they observed each other’s general social media activity to better understand each other. None of the recipients said the regular communication with their partner felt like they were being overly monitored or controlled, which can be the case where excessive contact is motivated by jealousy and insecurity. All the recipients in this particular research study said they felt the communication was healthy and affirming.
The role of social media in fostering passion
Maytham explains: “The participants all said social media, notably WhatsApp was very important in maintaining passion, expressing desire, sharing romantic messages and sending photos to their partner. If they were geographically separated they would have virtual dates, which heightened the build-up for when they could see one another in person again.
“Some were more reserved in their communication, explaining they don’t share too much passion talk or visuals because they feel social media is too accessible as a public platform. Others said this didn’t bother them at all; they enjoying sexting or sending a sexy photo or wearing the dress or outfit they know their partner likes to build up the excitement for when they could be physically together.”
Privacy and boundaries on social media
Two of the participants said they used social media to communicate with each other but they kept the details of their relationship private because of the ‘evil eye’. “They are of Indian descent and they explained that in their culture it was considered dangerous to share too much on public platforms or to disclose too many personal details as it can attract dissent, jealousy and negative energy, known as the evil eye,” Maytham explains. For example, if you post a photo of yourself looking alluring on your Facebook page and someone comments on it in an inappropriate way, it can make your partner feel uncomfortable and this can lead to arguments.
Another recipient said she was very conscious of balancing privacy with public declarations of love on Instagram. She prefers to have love messages sent privately to her on WhatsApp as she feels there need to be boundaries about sharing intimate information.
Other recipients disagreed and said they like to share what is happening in their romantic lives. It underscores this generation’s cultural shift with the proviso that younger people from more culturally conservative backgrounds don’t like to put everything out there.
Maytham says this is just the start of research into how young people in relationships interact positively on social media. Through the ages, young couples in love have sought as much contact with each other as possible. Social media has effectively replaced telephone calls, letter writing and secret note sending. It’s immediate and it is able to provide instant gratification in keeping with this era.